I know I don’t generally spend a lot of time looking back, and even less worrying about what I’d do differently if I could. Too many good things in my life came about because of some less than good things, and to change them would destroy much of my current happiness. It’s not worth the risk. It’s probably best to just take the bad with the good and move on.
But if I were to be willing to try a do-over, it would be in regards to my kids. I look back on the past fifteen years and I wish I had been better. I wish I had known then what I know now. There are certain mistakes I’d make good and sure I didn’t repeat.
It’s not that I don’t have good kids. I do. I have great kids. They have an excellent mother. And much of the time their father gets things right, too. I know I could certainly have been worse. But now that I’m aware that I’m running short on time with my kids I can’t help but wish I’d been better.
But I suppose that’s one universal constant that we share with every parent all the way back to Adam. We can’t be sure if we’ve done “good enough” by our kids until it’s too late. We can only cross our fingers and hope we did at least as well as our parents did, or at least raised our kids to be smart enough to recognize the things we didn’t do right and fix it with their kids. I hope I’ve at least been teaching my kids that you don’t have to do things the same way as your parents did; they can take all the good things and improve on the rest.
But then I suppose it’s a good thing that we can’t go back. I can only imagine how long I’d take getting it right. It’d be like “Groundhog Day” writ large. All I can do, I guess, is to try to do better now, and hope that is what my kids remember most.
When my kids let down their guard and I see some of the harm or hard feelings that I caused, entirely by accident, I want to slink away and go die in a hole. Not to mention all of the time that I spent on fruitless attempts to provide better for them, sacrificing precious time with them doing so, it brings me to tears.
Oh you two…. BIG HUG! Please be much kinder to yourselves. These little people we are raising are a bit like roulette wheels. Good and horrible parents create wonderful people and vice versa. Soon the waves of luck and chance will nudge our darlings a few degrees in every direction as they set out on their journeys. Sometimes the trail will become easier, sometimes they will wander off course… And they NEED to see a little rough-around-the-edges even from us if they are going to survive out there on their own. It gives them an opportunity to learn how to forgive EVEN US and then THEMSELVES. Through us they learn that parenting isn’t easy. They need those lessons for when they become parents too. I’m sure you’d never want them in the future to think: “But Dad made it look so great and easy. He never made mistakes. Why aren’t I like that perfect? I’m not a good parent. I”m a bad person.”
Actually, my parents DID make it look easy. The older I get the more I revere my old man. He certainly wasn’t perfect, and I have had to learn to forgive him for a thing or two.
I feel the same about my dad. He wasn’t perfect, but he sure did the job well and I appreciate him.
I’ve never been abusive to my kids. I thought I was being fun and easygoing, but a few comments from my kids have given me … more than second thoughts. And I really wish I had had more time with them. But, all you can do is what you thought best at the time.