I’m old enough to remember when “Love is the answer” and “Love trumps hate” were the slogans of the day. They went out of style all too quickly–probably because they were never intended to be more than slogans. Actual love was never really tried.
I want to say we live in an age of quick solutions, but I suppose to be honest, has there ever been an age where anyone set aside the easy, quick fixes and looked first for the slow solution? In any case, I think that’s one reason why Love, as the answer, fell quickly out of favor. Love works slowly, and it requires far more work from the person trying to love the change into being than from the one they are trying to change. Love runs the risk of never initiating true change in someone else, and certainly not until it has been truly and thoroughly modeled for them.
Perhaps no one really realized that love is a verb, not a noun. It’s not some magic talisman to ward off vampires and political polar opposites. (“They mentioned LOVE! Aaaa! I’m melting! Oh, my beautiful wickedness!”) It doesn’t suffice for a group to claim that they have love on their side–certainly not if they show only anger or hate toward the other side. Loving only the people who are most like you isn’t going to change the people who aren’t.
What’s more, even as a verb, love is most effective in concentrated form. The fewer you focus your love on, the more powerful it is. Compare the speaker who gets up in front of the crowd and declares “I love you all!” with the person who sees a person in need and stops to help them. Both may be full of love and entirely sincere, but the more personal the love, the more powerful. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.
I’m reminded of the old fable where the sun and the wind got into a debate of which of them was stronger. They opted for a challenge to settle their dispute, in which they would each try to get a traveler to remove his coat. The wind went first, blowing on the traveler as hard as he could, attempting to blow the man’s coat off. The man only clung more tightly to his outer garment than ever, and eventually the wind gave up.
The sun then took his turn and beamed warmth down on the traveler. At first nothing happened, but eventually the traveler began to fan himself with the lapels, and then finally removed the coat altogether, draping it over one shoulder.
Now, I always rather suspected the contest was rigged, and the sun won simply by tricking the wind into accepting objectives under which he couldn’t win. But the allegory works well to reinforce my point. You don’t get someone to give up something by force, especially if they feel that something is what protects them from something unpleasant. You succeed by helping them feel their proverbial coat is not only no longer necessary, but actually making things more difficult for them. Even then, they may hang on to their coat for quite some time afterward, just in case it’s needed. Only if they go long enough without needing it will they finally give it up entirely.
Love does indeed trump hate, but first and foremost it really does have to be love–real love, directed toward the person whose hate you’re trying to discourage. Real love will, slowly, convince them their hate is no longer necessary, and perhaps even making things difficult for them. They’ll start to let it go, and eventually, if they feel safe enough long enough, leave it behind.
But who has that long? Who is willing to love that relentlessly in the face of hate? It’s uncomfortable and, at least initially, rather thankless. Those on your own side may even mistake your intentions and motivations and forget to continue loving you.
Right now we are experiencing a social conflict that, intentionally or collaterally, is pulling everyone in different directions, out to the extremes. It’s easy to see why. It’s easier to avoid the slings and arrows of those who see things differently than you and your tribe if you keep your distance from them. In the middle is where we are most vulnerable. Those in the middle tend to want to stay quiet, lest they get noticed and targeted. It can be a very uncomfortable place.
But love, as I said, isn’t nearly so effective on wide dispersion. You’re not going to change the group of people hugging the wall on the opposite side of the room by telling them you love them. You’re going to have to show them, and that requires getting closer, coming together in the middle, and focusing on just one or a few at a time. Black entertainer Tyler Perry recently accepted a humanitarian award, dedicating it to “anyone who wants to stand in the middle. Because that’s where healing, where conversation, where change happens. It happens in the middle.” In the middle, and one at a time. That’s how love changes the world. It’s slow. It may appear inefficient compared to just coercing others into doing what you want, especially considering that it requires you to change as well.
But it’s also more effective, more real, and more long-lasting. Love is the answer. Love does trump hate. But it’s not a one-and-done hand grenade. It’s not “tough love,” which usually only includes the “tough” part. It takes effort–often painful–to remove the impediments to that love that exist in our own souls. I requires abandoning our smug reassurances that we are right, and therefore exempt from having to offer love before the other shows they deserve it.
Love is not the easy way out. It’s the only way out.