*Trigger warning: Those of you uncomfortable with discussions of spirituality may wish to come back some other time*
Religion is central to my life and defines many of my priorities. I’ve decided, for example, that I’d rather be a good father and husband than a worldly success. If success can still be found within those parameters, cool, but it’s not important. Sundays are reserved for church and family. Entertainment is to be carefully chosen based on what I find uplifting and inspiring, not what everyone else tells me is the hottest new “thing”.
But truth be told, I’ve felt personally stuck for a while now. It’s hard to describe what we in my church call “feeling the spirit”. It’s like trying to describe the color blue using only words to someone who has never seen it. It’s peace, joy and calm all intermingled. It’s ennobling, yet quiet, and reassures me that all things are possible–and reminds me what is truly worth pursuing. Under its influence I find it easier to picture myself as the person I want to be. I find it easier to be patient and understanding. I find my love for my wife and family is deeper, and my anxiety around strangers less. I feel less alone inside my own head. Like I said, it’s hard to describe, but I know it when I feel it.
And for the past year or more it’s been hard to feel. I’ve made considerable spiritual progress in my life from who I used to be, but lately it’s been like hitting the wall. I’ve felt the spirit from time to time, but I’ve been unable to hold onto it. I’d look around me at others (I know I shouldn’t, but I do) and see signs of their spiritual growth and realize that I’m being left behind. I’ve seen what the world is throwing at my kids and known I should be able to help them, and yet known I’m not strong enough myself.
It’s been frustrating, lonely at times, and sometimes agonizing. But that was insufficient to help me push past my fear; fear of changing, fear of facing who I’ve been, fear of what I might have to give up to gain any more spiritual ground.
Recently I decided I’d had enough. I can’t sit still any more. I need to either go forward or go backward. And if I really believe what I claim I believe, backward is just not an option. That would be like deciding that since growing food is too hard, I’ll just settle for eating compost. That might be okay if I’d never eaten food, but I have. And knowing what my wife’s snowball cookies or pot pie taste like, how could I settle for compost, organic or otherwise?
It’s time I got myself unstuck and moving forward again. It’s required some changes, and doing some difficult things.
I could kick myself for waiting so long. God didn’t make me step very far into the dark. His hand was there before I even had time to worry whether there would be solid ground beneath my feet. Oh, my feet are still pretty unsteady, but I’m feeling the spirit more–and more deeply–than I’ve felt in I don’t know how long. Life hasn’t become any less challenging, but it’s become more…sweet, more vibrant. My fear has lessened, my inclination to push back against critics and naysayers has diminished. My ability to identify and appreciate the little bits of beauty around me has increased.
And I must keep going. I can’t relax. The trials and opposition haven’t ceased. Just as there is a God who loves me and wants me to progress, there are forces working against that, as well. One came in the form of a likely well-intentioned person at church who decided I needed correction in the form of a stern, condescending lecture. Not that his initial criticism wasn’t on point–I recognized immediately he was right–but his delivery did far more harm than good. Anyone who knows me likely knows that if you’re going to correct me, get to the point quickly, and then back off and let me process it and decide what to do about it. Belaboring the point triggers my conflict anxiety and puts me into a mental tailspin for hours to days at a time, focusing on the conflict, not the message. He belabored and triggered in spades.
And yet even in that experience I could see the Lord’s hand. It was a flashing neon sign indicating “Your next growth project is right here!” I simply have to overcome–or at least weaken–my fear of conflict, or I will keep handing Satan the keys to drive my personal car in a ditch. I’ve got to learn to step back and see things calmly and rationally, removing the emotional weight enough to stop stalling out. Certainly I shouldn’t aim to feel no emotion at all in these situations, but right now I experience debilitating emotion, and that’s a serious gap in my spiritual armor.
But I know that can be overcome. I don’t know how, how soon, or how easily, but I have my Savior on my side, and I’ve experienced His help before in overcoming serious weaknesses that I couldn’t conquer on my own. I’ll get there–or rather, we’ll get there, but it’s going to take work. And quite likely it’s going to take going through more such experiences in the future, against which I can measure my progress. That…doesn’t sound fun. But to achieve that end…wow, and well worth it.
Anyway, I’m enjoying being unstuck finally. I’m enjoying life. I’m enjoying my marriage and my family more than ever. I’m feeling the spirit more and more. This last Sunday was delightful, and weekdays in general are better than they’ve been, even on the rougher days. I’m grateful I finally made the effort to get unstuck.
As I’ve always found, if someone is trying to make you change/consider adjustments of self, discussion accomplishes a lot more than stern, “you must do this because” lectures. I’m glad that you were able to get passed the person’s attitude & find something useful to bring from it. I find that all that type of lecture does is make me think of the obvious issues that the person giving the lecture has & that they need to work on themselves before having the audacity to tell me how to “fix” myself.
There is certainly a lot to the New Testament account of Christ telling us to first remove the beam from our own eye before insisting on helping remove the mote from someone else’s. In other LDS scripture there is also counsel that if someone needs correcting, do so under the influence of the Holy Spirit, and with “sharpness” which we generally take to mean “focus on the single behavior, not bludgeoning with a whole bunch of issues”, and then following immediately with an outpouring of love for that person, “lest he esteem thee to be an enemy.” I’ve always liked that one, as especially in parenting you do need to offer correction, but there’s a better way of doing it than blasting away at them. Now, I can’t claim I’m really good at that better way yet, but I’m learning.
I know what you mean. Sometimes I wish I could have understood these things earlier, but there is nothing to be gained by looking back and everything to be gained by moving forward. I didn’t know life could be so beautiful.