What will $29.99 buy these days? Complete peace of mind!
Look, I know this has been a rough election. People have been calling your candidate names, like “the greater of two evils”, when clearly their opponent is the eviler one. And then all these pesky third-party candidates keep threatening to drain votes away from your candidate. It’s enough to make a grown voter cry!
I understand! It can make a person want to lash out and accuse those third-party voters of all sorts of nastiness. It can make you broadcast on social media every little post or video claiming third-party candidates are the end of Western Civilization.
But before you click “share” one more time, give me just one minute of your time to pose a point you may not have considered: third-party voters offer you absolution.
That’s right! You’ve been saying all along it’s all our fault your candidate isn’t doing so well in the polls. We’re depriving your candidate of the votes he/she/xhe/it so richly deserves. Well, it’s true! But we don’t do it for the selfish reasons you might think. We’re only thinking of YOU! Your candidate just might lose, it’s true, but what if they still lost even if all those claiming to vote third-party voted for your candidate? Then what would you do? Who would you blame? Why…you might even have to contemplate that you may be culpable for selecting a lousy candidate to begin with! You may actually have to accept some of the blame for your own failure!
And we don’t want that, now do we!
We’re really doing you a great service. With my vote for a third-party candidate you can remain blissfully secure in the knowledge that the election was stolen from you candidate; that they would have won if it weren’t for evil, immoral vote-wasters like me. You won’t have to even consider entertaining ideas that you might have had some hand in your party’s failure.
I’ll even put it in writing! That’s right! Just send $29.99 by check, money-order, or PayPal, and I’ll send you a genuine signed certificate accepting blame for your candidate’s loss. But wait, that’s not all! For just $9.99 more I’ll even personalize your certificate by writing in the name of YOUR candidate! It’s a service I can offer because I’ve already got practice writing in candidates. Or, you might even consider the Super Deluxe Package where, for a mere $99.99 I’ll include everything above, plus a hand-written letter (and who does that these days?!) (also suitable for framing) pretending to be sorry for my evil, immoral vote-wasting and its resultant destruction of all you hold dear.
And, if you’re not 100% satisfied, just let me know! I’ll send you a reality check for $.99 and a certificate for a free sucker. That’s more than you’ll get from your candidate should you be dissatisfied with their performance in the election and ask for your campaign contribution back!
But I’m certain you’ll be completely satisfied with my services, because you just can’t put a price on absolution! You could spend the next four years with your head in the sand, or you could just refer all critics to your fine, custom-framed certificate and tell them, “See, it wasn’t my fault! He did it!” That’s the peace of mind absolution can buy!
Operators are standing by! But you need to act now! Once the election is over this offer will be gone–possibly for good! As tempting as it may seem right now, I can’t promise to vote third-party and accept the blame forever, you know.