I recently read an article in which a woman outlines several events in her life where she felt discriminated against. In several cases there was an initial incident that exemplified the prejudice she felt she’d experienced, but each was followed by “we became good friends after that” or “some time later after we’d worked together for a while and I’d gained his respect I reminded him of the incident and he felt embarrassed about it.”
In short, while other complaints this woman had may have been completely valid, these two incidents mostly amounted to “things did not go perfectly at first.” What’s more, while she felt these were cases that happened to her because she was black and/or female, I’ve had very similar experiences in my own life, and I can guarantee they weren’t because I am black or female.
It seems to me we’re adopting a zero tolerance policy toward everyone we meet. There can’t be any social awkwardness. There can’t be initial friction. There can’t be any getting off on the wrong foot. And if they’re known to have different opinions than we do, there can’t even be any contact, any existing in the same space, any allowing them to live their own life.
The thing is, some of the best, deepest, most satisfying relationships I’ve had in my life too time to develop. Some of my longest running friendships began badly. The boy in sixth grade who picked on me at recess the next year became one of my best friends. The neighbor whose own sister warned me would treat me badly turned out to be a really great guy once I dropped my defenses and gave him a chance. One of my better friends in high school actually *gasp* was of a different political persuasion as me–and was often vocal about it. And yes, there was at least a time or two where she prejudged me. We survived it.
But for whatever reason, all bets are off these days. It’s Cobra Kai all over again. “If a man confronts you on the street he is your enemy! Strike first! Strike hard! No mercy!”
What a crappy way to live. What opportunities we’re missing out on.
I get it. I’m not perfect either. I engage in situational prejudice myself sometimes. Yes, I will get nervous if several young men in hoodies, regardless of race, approach me on the street at night. I’d be less nervous during the day. Put them in polo shirts and I’d probably not even think twice. I’m not saying we shouldn’t make initial judgments. I’m not saying it’s even possible not to. I suspect we all do.
But if we make an initial judgment and then refuse to entertain any further evidence to the contrary then we’re missing out. We’re quite probably in the wrong. We need to cut each other a little slack and allow for first impressions to be erroneous. We need to be slow to judge and even slower to condemn. We need to be willing to not cut people off at the first sign of unpleasantness. We need to be willing to listen, to verify, to reevaluate.
Yeah, it’s hard. Going through the collapse of society is harder, and I believe that’s where we’re headed if we don’t change course. When we’re talking about condemning entire classes of people as terrorists or worthy of death based on nothing more than their associations we are not headed in a good direction as a society.
Stop demanding perfection and start seeking to get to know one another while we still can.