Hard answers

Remember the old Aesop’s fable about the competition between the sun and the wind? They wanted to prove who was the stronger, so they made a bet on who could get a traveling man’s coat off. The wind went first, blowing as hard as he could, but he only succeeded in making the man wrap his coat all the more tightly around himself. Then the sun went next, gently shining down and warming the man until he was too warm for the coat, and removed it.

Now, I always thought the sun was just clever for having rigged the contest before it could even begin, but there is fundamental truth there nonetheless. And yet it’s a truth we all regularly overlook. For evidence you need not look any farther than the Internet. We are, by and large, the wind. Instead we need to be the sun.

People like to tell us frequently that “love is the answer.” And they’re correct. Love is like the sun–it’ll warm others into doing what you want much, much faster than blowing a hurricane of abuse at them.

The trouble is we don’t seem to know the question. People act as if it’s, “What should I give to those who think the same was as I do?” Loving those who love you isn’t the prescription for the world’s ills, it’s the cause of even greater tribalism and inter-group conflict. But it’s the easiest application of love, and so most people never make it any farther than that. I can’t say that I’m any different, frankly.

But what made Mahatma Gandhi a great person was not that he faced down the most powerful nation on earth, but that he did it without hating that enemy. What makes the Dalai Lama a wise and peaceful person is that he doesn’t carry hate for those who disagree with him.

One of the most difficult things to learn is to truly “love the sinner, hate the sin.” We encounter people every day who disagree with us, sometimes noisely, sometimes even violently. But we will never change their minds if we respond in kind. We only validate their opinions of us. The real lesson is to learn how to still see them as people worthy of love–and then to show that love.

If we allow ourselves to become frustrated, annoyed, angry, or hateful toward those we disagree with we choose to carry a burden around that will not just poison our relationship with that person, but with everyone we have contact with. If we can at least learn not to pick up that baggage, but instead let it lay where it is, we can spare ourselves a lot of misery. Even better if we can somehow learn to ignore it and show that person love.

I understand that what I’m suggesting runs counter to human nature. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to love someone who is calling you names and rubbing your nose in every fault they see in you. But I’ve never once seen anyone change another person’s mind by responding in kind. I don’t think it can work. I have seen people slowly-but-surely change a person’s mind through love and patience. I’ve even seen acts of love change people almost instantaneously.

Love is the answer. I agree with that. It’s also the most difficult of answers to apply. But perhaps more importantly, we should be asking the right question. It’s not just, “How should I treat those who are on my side,” but “How should I treat everyone, even those I don’t want to even like?”.

We’re all looking for an easy answer. There isn’t one. Love is the answer, and it’s the hardest answer of all. It just happens to also be the only truly correct one.